Twenty years of bondage; looking for love in all the wrong places. Then the inevitable happened-----I loaded my shotgun.
 

There is a thread that runs throughout my life of rejection and abandonment. At the time of my birth, my father really wanted a boy. He already had two girls. So, there was rejection even at birth. Somehow, though, I did become my dad's "favorite". Then when I was 9 years old, my mother left my father. As we were leaving town, my mother had my brother, who was 15 months younger, and I get down on the floor of the car. She was afraid that she would pass my father on the road and he would be suspicious if he saw all the children in the car. And he did pass us.

Not too many nights after our arrival at grandmas' house, I had a nightmare. It turned out to be about the same time as when my father blew his head off with a powerful hunting rifle. We were notified once the neighbors found my dad and we returned home. At the funeral I didn't and couldn't even force myself to cry. I was just a bit traumatized. What I didn't realize at the time was that I would now have a major abandonment issue to deal with.

My mother remarried. He was a Christian. Even so, he was abusive physically and emotionally. I gave my heart to Jesus at the age of 10 and we were in church every time the doors were open for 4 1/2 years. Our "home" was a couple trailers. The children only spent time in the main trailer when it was time to eat. Meal times were not pleasant gatherings. My stepdad wanted to control everything, what we ate, how much we ate, how fast we ate it and even the way we held our fork.

In this home, children were to be seen and not heard. I remember once being gagged and put on display so the neighbors could see me, all because of something I said. I know it couldn't have been that bad. I really was a good little girl.

When I was in 10^th grade, my mother left my stepdad three times. After the third time, she got a divorce. We moved a lot. During the ages of 15 to 18 I experienced what is today called date rape about 7 times. At 16, I ended up running away and after getting caught, continued to get in trouble. I fell in love with a young man and then was torn away from him, because my mom needed to leave the state. At that time, I vowed I would never marry.

Soon, I was left with complete strangers for several months. During that time, the experiences I had were horrendous. Once, I was given enough alcoholic drink to get drunk and another time I was held under the water and almost drowned. When my mother finally picked me up, she left me at my sister's house for a night. While there my brother-in-law tried to molest me.

Eventually, I quit school, and when I was old enough, took a GED and went into the Army. I received many awards for my efforts during the 13 months I was in. That sounds kind of short because I was given a early discharge. After about 5 months of training, I arrived at my permanent station on a bus with a group of women. What I didn't know at the time is that there were some lesbians sitting on the steps of the WAC detachment watching us get off the bus. One of them pointed me out and told the others, "I want that one." I was a long way from home and had no real relationship with my mother. I just wanted someone, anyone to show me that they really cared about me. I was seeking love, and it didn't seem to matter where it came from.

Then it happened. In a perverted way, I was shown some love. I was actually seduced by one woman and then introduced to the person who had pointed me out as I exited the bus. She became my lover and in less than a year we were discharged for homosexuality.

We moved to her mother's home in North Carolina and then eventually moved to California. After a few months, her mother followed. She moved in with us and soon we thought we should tell her of our lifestyle. We all sat down at the kitchen table and began to tell her about how we were living. As soon as she heard it, she only had this to say: As far as I am concerned you are both dead. That was such terrible rejection. This rejection drove me deeper into the lifestyle and kept me from ever sharing this with anyone else.

At a later date, after a disagreement with my mother's husband, she disowned me. Well, that destroyed whatever we had left of a relationship.

I continued in the homosexual lifestyle for 20 years. Twenty years of bondage. When I was 30 my mother died. She just didn't want to live any longer and stopped taking her insulin.

God was drawing me back during those 20 years. I remember one significant time when I had to go out of town on business. It is one of those trips you never forget, for many reasons. As the plane taxied out to the runway, the engines began to overheat. We were next to take off when the decision was made to go back to the terminal. After an hour, we finally took off. As we approached Houston, the pilot began to speak to the passengers, "The automatic landing gear is not functioning correctly so we will be locking it into place the manual way". Oh Great. But, God was even watching out for me then. He had a pilot sitting next to me to reassure me that everything would be fine. As soon as we landed and the pilot could bring the plane to a stop, the engines were shut off and we were towed the rest of the way to the terminals. As we slowly went down the runway to the terminals, I could see the fire engines all around; the firemen were suited up and just waiting for a disaster. God was in charge, even then.

While in Houston, I took an employee to the doctor's office. As I was waiting, I noticed some magazines on the table. One was partially covered, but not covered enough that I couldn't tell what was on the cover. It was about homosexuality and I could see the letters ROM. Somehow I knew that ROM had something to do with a book of the Bible, but I refused to pick up the magazine. There were two reasons for not wanting to read that article: 1) I didn't want to know the truth, and 2) I was afraid that the people in the waiting room would think that I was one. I was afraid of rejection, even from strangers.

After 20 years in bondage, through some circumstances, I started coming back to the Lord. My lover experienced a couple deaths in her family. This began to change our focus. Then at Easter, we attended her mothers' baptism. After the baptism, my lover watched an Easter program on TV. As soon as that program was finished she turned to me and said, "We need to get back in church". That is when I found out that she had some church upbringing as a child. So, we started going to church and in our own strength we tried to overcome the bondage we had lived in for so long. That fall, while on vacation, my lover fell back into bondage with an old lover. She moved away and I was devastated. What I didn't understand at the time is that I was emotionally dependent on her so her leaving was ripping my emotions to shreds.

After she left, I was very lonely. I decided to spend all my time seeking the Lord. I attended church regularly, listened to Christian radio, read the Bible, and watched Christian TV. Eventually I felt God calling me to move to the same city where my friend had moved. My friend was not living with anyone, so I asked her if we could room together to save money. The biggest problem is that I quit going to church.

However there was a problem that I still didn't understand about our relationship. I was still very emotionally dependent on her. After a year, she chose to do something that would once again rip my heart out. She said, "I don't want you for a friend anymore". I was totally caught off guard. I asked her why and she wouldn't reply. Now, if you know anything about emotional bondage, you will understand how devastated I was. Her rejection was so devastating to me. I went to my bedroom and loaded my shotgun; pointing toward my head I discovered the barrel was too long, or my arm was too short. I couldn't reach the trigger. So, I got on my knees instead.

The next Sunday I started going to a large church. I went every time the doors were open and in 2 months, on a Sunday evening, there was an altar call for total commitment to Jesus. I knew that was my altar call. As I entered the altar area, I was weeping and all of a sudden it felt like chains just fell off and I was filled with divine peace and joy. It was an awesome experience. I was totally yielding my life and future to Him and he was setting me free. That was in 1985.

I submerged myself in the work of God. Prison ministry, street ministry, visitation, and a lot more. In October of that same year, I fell back into sin for a couple months. The Holy Spirit was there convicting me of my sin and I was the most miserable person on earth. My friend gave me a choice: her or God. I repented and chose God.

In a few years I ended up in a downward spiral. Then, after 3 years of deepening depression, I sought professional help. During a visit with my therapist, I learned of a group at my church called "Set Free". This group was for women who struggled with homosexual issues. They were looking for people who could help. A lot of healing had taken place in my life with the help of this Christian therapist and I thought I might be able to help; so I started going to this group.

Eventually I was asked to be a leader. Then, in 1992, God laid on my heart the desire to write some lessons to teach during our group times. That same year, I attended a week long Exodus conference in San Diego. During that week, God did some major healing and gave more direction for the
lessons. These lessons, in 1997, became a book which is used during teaching times at Set Free on Tuesday nights. God has opened the door to make this book available in the bookstore at my church and in a local Christian bookstore outside the church. I also sell them. (See my web page: http://www.choicemall.com/whichway. This book has helped not only those wanting free from the lifestyle, but it has helped those who are family and friends of ones who are in bondage. It has helped them to better understand their loved ones and to know how to respond to them.

The last 13 years have been very difficult, at times, but God has taken me through a lot of "stuff" to learn to trust Him and prepare me for a vision he has given me: To travel to churches and take the message that you can be set free from homosexuality. Believe me, sometimes I just don’t want to tell people about my past and the only reason I do is to bring glory to God and to encourage people seeking help and healing.

To the reader: I hope this testimony has helped you in some way to know the truth and/or find your way back to God.