At the turn of the century, my employer had three Y2K uncompliant applications constituting the entire product line. I believe that the C++ CFRONT compiler on HP-UX 9.05 had a safety rendering it inoperable after the year 2000. So the solution was the creation of "Gilligan's Island".
Gilligan's Island was a network of HP-UX boxes isolated from the corporate network as the clocks were turned back to 1997. The only connection between gilligan and the corporate network was a bank of serial lines. This avoided the Y2K problems in the development environment at least as well as any date issues with NFS and ClearCase. Gilligan was truly an island of UNIX servers.
Hence was inspired the saga of "Gilligan Trek", originally released in installments via email.
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BRIDGE
Emergency lighting and klaxons blaring, pure
pandemonium as the crew deals with a crush of
status and bug reports.
[Kirk]
Scotty, I need those Enterprise Java Beans in ten minutes
or we're all dead!
ENGINE ROOM
In the background the giant coffee grinder is
vibrating violently. Greasy beans are falling out
of it.
A half dozen engineers in grey and orange moon
radiation suits are scrambling about the grinder
collecting the beans, trying to put them back in
the grinder.
[Scotty]
Eye kan't werk mearakuls kaptane! Da graeyender, she's
bout redy to dump the core!
(Sound of flushing toilet)
BRIDGE
Spock quietly exits the bridge during this
exchange, an impassive look on his face.
[Kirk]
Well, I'm just going to have to fire you, Scotty.
ENGINE ROOM OF ENTERPRISE [Scotty] (Sullen) Eye sur. Scotty turns to see the giant coffee grinder upon which the future of the Enterprise depends. It is shaking now. The top holding in the Java Beans strains to blow off. The half dozen engineers are still picking up greasy beans that have fallen out. (Screaming) Ladds! She's bout redy to dump er core! Get aut... The lid of the grinder blows off, filling the room knee deep in rich French roast. BRIDGE OF RELIANT The workstations are smoking, electrical circuits sparking. Everything is bathed in the dull red glow of emergency lighting. On the main viewscreen is the Enterprise slowly moving away. [Khan] (Raspy and menacing) No...you can't get away...from hell's heart I strike at thee... BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE [Kirk] (Worried) Scotty, I'm still waiting on those Enterprise Java Beans. ENGINE ROOM OF ENTERPRISE The grey and orange moon radiation suited engineers have abandoned the giant coffee grinder. There is a mad dash for the bulkhead door out of the engine room. [Scotty] (Imploring) Ladds! Noo! Da graeyender, she muss hav er Java beens! The greasy beans overcome the chief engineer. (Softly) ...radiations... He collapses into the pile of beans rapidly filling the room.
BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE [Kirk] (Motioning to Sulu) Bring up the Enterprise and Reliant on the tactical project schedule. [Sulu] Aye sir. Sulu pushes some buttons. (Sound of retro 1960s high technology) [Kirk] (Musing to himself) We're not going to make our functional milestone... What's our EJB muster mister? [Sulu] 90 percent of 50 percent completion. Three critical, eight major, and five enhancement bugs. Production at three KLOCs. Estimate blast radius of 40 thousand kilometers. BRIDGE OF RELIANT [Khan] (With relish) No...you can't get away! You'll never deliver on time! Revenge is a dish best served cold! Khan collapses to the deck, content that the future of the Enterprise is doom. ENGINE ROOM OF ENTERPRISE Spock enters engineering and pulls Scotty out from the still growing pile of Java Beans. He places his fingers against the chief engineer's temple. [Spock] (Focused) Remember. With his bare hands and no grey and orange moon radiation suit, Spock scoops up the greasy Enterprise Java Beans and dumps them into their container. But the giant coffee grinder is still spewing forth the beans from the blown top. Soon Spock is hip deep in the still growing pile of beans. Scotty regains consciousness. [Scotty] (Wide eyed and emphatic) Noo! Spock! Spock! Get out of there! Spock ignores him, continues to heap the beans back into the grinder. BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE The bridge crew is dejected, knowing they are doomed. [Chekov] (Excited) Sir! We have three-tiered end-to-end functionality! 100 percent pure Java certification! [Kirk] (Thankful under his breath) Thank you Scotty. Mr. Sulu, Go! Go! Warp one now!
THE MUTARA NEBULA The Enterprise migrates out of legacy lifecycle maintenance into Java Bean warp speed. The Reliant is left behind, broken and unmaintainable at any cost. Just as the Enterprise clears the nebula, the Reliant detonates. The blast wave recedes into the distance as the Enterprise moves at Internet speed out of the nebula to safety. BRIDGE The entire bridge crew is relieved at the narrow escape. They nearly were to be trapped in a nebula of unmaintainability forever. [Kirk] (Punches intercom) Scotty, you came through in the nick of time. (No response) Scotty? Scotty? [McCoy] (Over intercom) Jim, I think you better come down here. Hurry. Kirk looks over to Spock's workstation, now empty. [Kirk] (Sudden realization) On my way. Kirk rushes to the turbo elevator. As the doors close, Chekov notices a faint sensor anomoly. [Chekov] (Not taking eyes off his workstation) Sir! There is an unauthorized transporter signature incoming to... But the turbo elevator doors have already closed. ENGINE ROOM A plexiglass cubicle isolates the giant coffee grinder from the rest of the engine room. The grinder is barely visible through the beans that nearly fill the cubicle. Spock is still inside the cubicle, buried up to his neck in greasy Java beans. Kirk rushes into the engine room and sees Spock. [Kirk] (Emphatic) We've got to get him out of there! He'll forget how all the old stuff works! Scotty and McCoy grab Kirk's arms and hold him back. [Scotty] (Tense) He's forgotten already. They release Kirk, who slowly approaches the cubicle and communes with his first officer. [Spock] (Feeble but with conviction) The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few... [Kirk] ...or the one. [Spock] (Nodding) This was necessary. Is the Enterprise safe? [Kirk] (Softly) Yes, we made the delivery, achieved the functional milestone. You saved us all. BRIDGE All of the Enterprise bridge crew are sitting at their workstations, idle. They are not wearing Federation grey and orange uniforms but rather T-shirts promoting Khan Konsulting. In the captain's chair sits Khan! He punches the intercom button on the chair. [Khan] (Smug, as if talking to a child) Captain! Your chair is very comfortable! First I take your chair. Then I take your ship. And finally I take all of your bridge crew! I am the superior intellect!
ENGINE ROOM Everyone is shocked at Khan's survival. The Reliant was unmaintainable, doomed. Yet by some stroke Khan and his legacy now plague the Enterprise still. [Kirk] (Smartly) Khan, you've taken my chair, my ship, and my crew. But you still don't have me Khan! You keep missing the target! [Khan] (After a moment's reflection) I've done worse, Captain. I've left you trapped in your engine room in a pile of greasy beans... ...forever... [Kirk] (Screaming) Khan! The screams of the captain echo through the engine room. BRIDGE The new captain of the Enterprise takes command of the vessel. [Khan] Konsultant Sulu, every member of Khan Konsulting is to carry sidearms. Check out weapons from the armory sufficient for everyone here. [Sulu] (Standing to attention) Aye sir. Sulu sprints to the turbo elevator. With a whoosh he is gone. ENGINE ROOM There is no time for mourning Spock. He has forgotten how all the old stuff works. It is too late. Now all he remembers is Java beans. Together, Scotty, Kirk, and McCoy pull Spock out of the pile of beans. He appears none the worse for wear. Scotty has a blank look on his face. [Kirk] (Nonchalant) Well, I'm hungry. [McCoy] (Upset) Hungry! How can you be hungry at a time like this! Khan has just taken over the ship. And we're trapped in the engine room! [Kirk] Rule number one, basic needs come first. [McCoy] (To Scotty) Scotty, tell me this isn't happening. Scotty? Scotty walks off to a corner. He sits down, absorbed in his own thoughts. Kirk and McCoy are puzzled. Spock is juggling a few Java beans he has picked up from the floor in intricate patterns. BRIDGE Sulu has returned with a box full of weapons. Some are small pistols while others are designed for heavy assault. He passes them out. [Khan] (To Konsultants) You are to carry these Nerf weapons at all times. Do not hesitate to use them in defense of the greatness of Khan Konsulting! Today, this ship. Tomorrow, the fleet!
ENGINE ROOM Kirk, McCoy, and Spock are in a huddle, brainstorming what should be done next. Scotty is still sitting in a corner, absorbed in his own thoughts. [Spock] (Calm) Logic dictates we must re-engineer the Enterprise with Java beans. Khan will not be prepared for this technology. [Kirk] (Simply) I need to get to Khan. [Spock] That will be difficult without a complete re-architecture of the Enterprise. He has in all probability taken control of the legacy systems. [McCoy] (Puzzled) What has gotten into you, Spock? [Spock] Why nothing, doctor. I am simply providing the captain with the most logical course of action in the present situation. [Kirk] (Somewhat absently) I just need to get to Khan. What's wrong with Scotty? All three turn to look at Scotty in the corner. At that moment Scotty screams something incomprehensible and begins speaking in tongues. [McCoy] (Upset) It's that Vulcan mind transfer! Darn it Spock! If we don't get Scotty to Vulcan soon he'll go insane! [Scotty] (Screaming) Eunuchs on the sea front! Man page and corn shells! Kirk runs over to Scotty and grabs him by the arms. [Kirk] Scotty! What's wrong? [Scotty] (Screaming) No more beans! At that moment a teleporter beam appears, enveloping Kirk. In a flash of light, he is gone.
ROCKY PLANET Kirk and Khan are both surprised to materialize off the Enterprise. The vista is a rocky field of boulders against a red sky. Neither is happy with the new situation and eye each other suspiciously. Nearby, an especially large boulder begins to glow red and then white hot as it changes shape to approximate a humanoid form. It gestures to the two visitors. [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly) Captains, you are here for a test. We have watched your struggle over the Enterprise and do not understand it. The philosophies you stand for, they have no meaning for us. [Kirk and Khan] (Simultaneously) You have no right!... [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly) We must know. Which is stronger, the legacies of the past that Khan Konsulting stands for...or the new ways of the Enterprise. Gentlemen, you will decide for us in a contest of strength. [Kirk] (Thoughtful) I will need my first officer. He is invaluable to the Enterprise. It would not be a fair contest otherwise. Khan begins to protest. [Big Talking Rock] (Interrupting) Granted. And you shall have two figures from your history to assist the both of you, two who represent the methodologies and practices you stand for. (Turning to Khan) And you Khan, as your old konsultants perished with the Reliant, you shall have three figures of your history to aid your cause. (To both) Let the contest begin. And the rock begins to glow white and red hot again, reforming back into the boulder it was originally. Kirk and Khan look at each other for a moment just as six new figures walk out from behind boulders. BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE The now mixed Enterprise crew of Khan Konsulting and Starfleet watch the events unfolding on the main viewscreen intently. The otherworldly voice of the big talking rock is heard on the bridge. [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly V.O.) As the destiny of the Enterprise depends on the outcome of this contest, we permit you to see the events as they unfold.
ROCKY PLANET The six figures break into two groups. One walks over to surround Khan. The other moves around Kirk. A few moments pass as the members of each group learn who they are and how they have come to this place. [Kirk] (Relieved) Spock! I'm glad to see you. [Spock] (Impassive) As am I. This is an intriguing situation. Kirk and Spock take in the two other members of their group who introduce themselves. [Linus Torvalds] (Friendly and smiling) Ihmettelet ehkae: miksi ihmeessae joku haluaa tuhlata tunteja omaa aikaansa, kirjoitta ohjelmistoja, paketoi ne huolellisesti, ja sitten antaa pois kaiken? [Kirk] (Genuinely puzzled) What did he say? [Abraham Lincoln] (Warmth and goodness) It's Finnish, Jim. [Spock] (Deadpan) Fascinating. A few feet away in the other group, Khan has met the three historical figures allied with his cause. [Khan] (To the group) One of you I recognize. But the other two... [Andy Grove] I'm Andy Grove. And this is... (Introducing the person next to him) Bill Gates. [Bill Gates] (Friendly) Hi. [Khan] (Realization) Ah yes, I do remember you. I learned much from your history together. Many of the tactics I used to take over the Enterprise were inspired by your successes. May the history we know be fated to repeat. (Gesturing towards other member) But who is this? Throughout this, the remaining member of the group has been silent, waiting for the others to finish. [Jesse Ventura] I ain't got time to bleed.
DENSE RAINFOREST A squad of men with painted green faces moves through the tangle of plants and trees. They carry an assortment of weapons and equipment as they approach their objective. Taking up the rear is Jesse Ventura who holds a six barreled minigun. Suddenly the group takes fire from all directions. Of the entire squad, only Jesse Ventura remains uninjured. Next to him lays Carl Weathers who is flexing his injured bicep. [Weathers] (Unperturbed) Maybe Arnold's right. I've been pushing too many pencils. It's not as big as it used to be. I can't believe he beat me arm wrestling. Ventura begins to open a clearing in the forest with his minigun. The blast is deafening as trees are cut down, opening a hole in the canopy for helicopter extraction. [Ventura] (Talking loudly) Wrestling? I'm a professional. Has this operation gone wrong or what? No Intel. Where was the Intel! Carl Weathers can not hear him over the roar of the minigun. [Weathers] (Yelling) What? [Ventura] (Irritated) Where was the Intel! Intel! ROCKY PLANET Khan, Andy Grove, and Bill Gates surround Jesse Ventura, a look of concern on their faces. [Ventura] (Coming out of flashback) Intel...wrong... [Grove] Intel? It was just one step. I mean, every man is his own corporation in the end. Looking around, Khan takes stock of the situation. He is surprised to see the other group nowhere in sight. COMPUTER JUNKYARD Kirk, Spock, Abraham Lincoln, and Linus Torvalds have wandered off to discover a junkyard of old computers on the rocky planet. Kirk steps forward and picks up an old Radio Shack computer. [Kirk] (Gesturing) Spock, think you can use any of this? Spock walks towards Kirk, examining the old computers scattered in large piles all around them. He is not optimistic. [Spock] (Doubtful) I do not see how I am to use stone knives and bearskins. None of these computers can run Windows. [Kirk] (Puzzled) But I thought that Java was write once, run anywhere! Look mister, this is what we have. It will have to do. Abraham Lincoln is completely mystified by the computer junkyard. He takes off his stove pipe hat and sits down on a rock. Linus Torvalds has been eagerly running through the junkyard, taking stock of the old computers. He picks up a color Gameboy and some sound cards, twisting a few wires together. [Torvalds] (Synthetic mechanical voice) These computers are more than enough. We can more than meet the needs of the Enterprise with what is here. [Lincoln] (Surprised and amazed) You speak English! Why does your voice sound so strange? [Torvalds] (Gesturing to color Gameboy, still in synthetic mechanical voice) It is easy to bootstrap a universal translator on this color Gameboy with some 8 bit sound cards. I am sorry about the poor quality but companies that manufacture these sound cards do not support the color Gameboy. So I had to improvise a user mode driver through the parallel port. It works of time good mostly. See, listen to this. (Presses buttons and twists wires) Gruess Gott. Ni hao ma. Como e voce
EDGE OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD Khan, Andy Grove, Bill Gates, and Jesse Ventura follow the other group to the edge of the computer junkyard, hidden from view behind some boulders. [Khan] (Whispering) We must know their intentions. They are too far away to hear clearly. Ventura, slip into the junkyard as close as possible to them without being detected. Then report back after ten minutes. Jesse Ventura touches up his green face paint and then makes an affirmative hand signal before moving off. [Ventura] (To self) Nobody needs to tell Jesse how to act in the jungle. He slips to within feet of Kirk, Spock, Abraham Lincoln, and Linus Torvalds, hearing their entire conversation from behind a pile of old monitors. After ten minutes, he steals back to his team, reporting everything he has seen and heard. Khan reflects for a moment and then explains his plan to the others. SMALL CAVE Kirk and Spock have located a small cave to serve as a base of operations. Kirk is setting up a command chair out of stones just as Abraham Lincoln and Linus Torvalds arrive pushing carts loaded with computers and miscellaneous equipment. They all proceed to improvise a computer network worthy of the Enterprise. [Torvalds] (Artificial mechanical voice of the Gameboy universal translator) The cord is too short. I need a power strip. I will go back to the junkyard for one. Busy setting up their new Enterprise computer system, they acknowledge Linus Torvalds as he leaves. COMPUTER JUNKYARD Eyes follow Linus Torvalds as he rummages through piles of discarded computer equipment, searching for a powerstrip. He does not realize he is not alone until too late. SMALL CAVE It has been too long since Torvalds left for the computer junkyard. The group has just organized a search party and are about to depart for the junkyard. [Kirk] (Questioning) Did you hear someone? There is a faint voice. [Lincoln] Yes. It sounds like Linus! The group begins to run towards the junkyard, towards the voice. [Spock] (Slightly winded but deadpan) I believe it is a request for assistance. The voice is loud enough to hear clearly. [Torvalds] (Artificial mechanical voice) Help me, Spock. Help me...Spock.
EDGE OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD From behind a pile of old computers, Spock can see Linus Torvalds in the computer junkyard. Torvalds is on the ground, sitting against a large monitor, his face hidden from view. [Kirk] (Whispering) It could be a trap. [Spock] Agreed. This is a possibility. They hear the cry for help again. [Torvalds] (Artificial mechanical voice) Help me, Spock. Help me...Spock. Kirk looks stricken. [Lincoln] (Fatherly wisdom) We must help him, Jim. [Kirk] (Realization) ...right... Spock starts to move from behind the pile of old computers. He is stopped by Lincoln's hand on his shoulder. [Lincoln] (Fatherly) Spock, let me go. There is a pause before Kirk nods to Spock, who relents. At that, Lincoln sets off to help their fallen comrade. OPPOSITE EDGE OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD Four figures are hidden from view, intent on the figure of Linus Torvalds a few yards away. They watch as Lincoln cautiously approaches. Khan is wearing a headset microphone. He sees Lincoln pause for a moment, sensing their presence. He looks down at the monitor and clicks on the send button. [Khan] Help me... A moment later they hear... [Torvalds] (Artificial mechanical voice) Help me... A broad smile plays over Khan's face. [Khan] (Sideways to Gates) The distortion works in our favor. The four jump at a sudden sound. They look down at the monitor screen. ************************ GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT ************************ [Gates] Don't worry. We can boot and dial in again, no more than three minutes, tops. They look up and see Lincoln crouched next to Torvalds. [Khan] (Smug) It appears it will not matter... CENTER OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD After a stealthy approach, Lincoln has crept up on Torvalds and is reassuring him. [Lincoln] Don't worry, Linus. Everything will be o.k. Lincoln places his hand on Linus Torvald's shoulder. The jarring knocks over the still figure. It is a mannequin! He looks down and sees the color Gameboy universal translator with a long wire trailing away amidst the computer junkyard. With apprehension, he looks up and sees he is surrounded.
EDGE OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD Kirk and Spock wait a few minutes too long for Lincoln's return. Just when it is decided to set off looking for him, they see Lincoln approach. He is walking slowly, his face ashen. [Lincoln] (Halting) Jim...no...it is alright. Lincoln holds his belly in his hands, pressing the area tightly. Kirk and Spock fear the worst. They start to leave the cover of a pile of old computer parts to hurry Lincoln back to relative safety. [Lincoln] (Halting) No...stay back...Linus...trap... And with that Lincoln collapses into an office chair with a moan, his stomach making upset growling noises. He is barely moving. Khan takes his cue to step out from behind a large Sun 3 server the size of a refrigerator. [Khan] (Smug) Ahhh Kirk, Lincoln could not refuse my "special" recipe. He has partaken of my extra hot and spicy curried chicken, a dish best served...cold. Andy Grove, Bill Gates, and Jesse Ventura now make their presence known as they all step out from behind old rack mounted computers. The two Federation officers are surrounded, escape impossible. [Ventura] (Shouting) The Body's twice the man of Hillbilly Jim and Special Delivery Jones put together! Everyone looks at Jesse Ventura who is now gesturing wildly. [Ventura] (Confused) McMahon, my action figure could beat Hollywood Hogan in a cage match! The look of fear in the eyes of all is palpable as Jesse Ventura runs over and picks up Andy Grove and Bill Gates, holding each under an arm. He is about to drop into a reverse piledriver when Spock intervenes. Spock pinches the wrestler's neck who promptly falls unconscious, Grove and Gates caught underneath him! [Grove and Gates] Help! We're trapped! Kirk takes in what has just happened. [Kirk] (Satisfied) It appears, Khan, that the odds are now even.
EDGE OF COMPUTER JUNKYARD Outnumbered two to one, Khan has ran away through the piles of computer equipment. Kirk and Spock started to give chase but have stopped before another large humanoid rock, just cooling from a molten state. [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly) You are victorious. The Enterprise has triumphed over the alliance of legacy computing and professional wrestling. You may return to your ship. [Kirk] What will happen to Khan and the others? [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly) Grove, Gates, and Ventura will be returned to their places in history. As for Khan, his fate is your decision. Shall we destroy him? [Kirk] (Shaking head) No. He was just expressing his genetically engineered sense of innate superiority. Even though he took over my ship and almost killed me in a hyperbaric compression chamber, it was we who rescued him from deep space. Leave him here in this computer junkyard to build a new world and become even more obsessed with vengence. [Big Talking Rock] (Otherworldly) You are truly an advanced and impressive species, you from the planet Earth. It is done. BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE The bridge crew is startled as Kirk and Spock suddenly reappear. But they quickly recover with a welcome return for their captain and first officer. Kirk notices that his crew is back in Starfleet uniforms. [Kirk] (Questioning) Mr. Sulu, what happened while Mr. Spock and I were away? I see that everyone is back in Starfleet polyester. [Sulu] Aye sir. We saw everything on the view screen, how you defeated Khan. Once we knew that Khan was on the losing side, it became clear that we had to return to Starfleet. Khan Konsulting was a ridiculous idea in the first place. Other former konsultants nod their agreement. [Chekov] (Overly enthusiastic) Yes sir! I am very happy to be back with the Enterprise and ready to start billing immediately, sir! [Uhura] (Smiling) As am I too, sir. Bones places a hand on Kirk's shoulder. [McCoy] (Looking around) Good to have you back, Jim. Kirk surveys his bridge and presses a few buttons on his command chair, checking the status of the ship. [Kirk] (Command voice) As you were. Mr. Sulu, lay in a course for Starbase 13, OS/2 warp speed three. Uhura, inform the Starbase we will need a complete rebuild of our middle tier coffee grinder due to Java bean flooding. [Sulu] (Turning around to make eye contact) Course plotted and laid in, sir. [Kirk] Very well.
CAPTAIN'S LOG The Enterprise is underway to Starbase 13 for an overhaul and rebuild of the middle tier coffee grinder. Due to Java bean flooding, we are limited to OS/2 Warp. This last incident with Khan has been hard on the Enterprise. But I suspect that it has been even harder on the crew. BRIDGE The bridge of the Enterprise is a busy hive of activity. The bridge crew are furiously pushing buttons at their workstations while a stream of yeomen arrive and depart with books and manuals. [Kirk] Mr. Sulu, bring up the project schedule to Starbase 13. Sulu pushes some buttons. A chart appears on the main viewer. [Sulu] On screen now, captain. Kirk studies the schedule. The Enterprise will arrive at Starbase 13 in three days. [Kirk] (To self) So we should get there in six days. Kirk pushes the ship wide public address button on his command chair. [Kirk] (To entire crew) The last encounter with Khan has been demanding of both the Enterprise and it's crew. But we will shortly arrive at Starbase 13 where shore bonus is hereby granted for all nonessential personnel. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MR. SCOTT'S QUARTERS The turbo door to Mr. Scott's quarters is open. Loud voices can be heard inside. There is a loud yell and a bowl of haggis comes flying out through the turbo door, followed by Nurse Chapel. [Chapel] But Mr. Scott! Haggis is your favorite! The turbo door begins to close. [Scotty] Aye caant taek it no moor, lassie. No moor haggis! The turbo door is closed. SICKNESS BAY Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel are in conference as she details her failed offering of haggis to Mr. Scott. The turbo door to the sickness bay opens as Kirk walks in. McCoy turns to Kirk. [McCoy] Jim, I can't explain it. But if we don't get Scotty to Vulcan in a few days, a week at the outside, he'll go insane! [Kirk] But we are scheduled to arrive at Starbase 13 in three days. I need more than your gut feeling to divert from a scheduled milestone! [McCoy] All I can say is that if Scotty doesn't get to Vulcan soon, he'll go insane. Damnable Vulcan mind transfer! Spock may have saved the Enterprise. But this at the cost of your Chief Engineer? Kirk reflects on this. [Kirk] Ok, Bones.
CAPTAIN'S LOG SUPPLEMENT The Enterprise has arrived at Vulcan after diverting from a scheduled stop at Starbase 13. The after effects of the Vulcan mind transfer on Mr. Scott have worsened. He can no longer tolerate the bagpipes. Spock, McCoy, Scotty, and I are teleporting down to the surface. Hopefully the Vulcans will be able to reverse the mind transfer and restore both my chief engineer and first officer. VULCAN KODE PIT The four Starfleet officers materialize in a large shallow pit exposed to the burning hot Vulcan sun. They are alone. Arranged around the pit are folding tables, ergonomic office chairs, various makes of computers, and most incongruously an inflatable wading pool filled with assorted toys including a one meter inflatable ball. [Kirk] (Looking around) No one's home. Did we get the right coordinates? [Spock] (Slightly ruffled) The new Java security model prevents inaccurate coordinates from entering the teleporter buffer. We are within machine precision of the proper location. [Kirk] Thank you, Mr. Spock. McCoy looks about as much as he can while holding Scotty, who is feverish and unresponsive. All shield their eyes from the hot Vulcan sun burning in the purple sky overhead. (Loud gonging) The four turn around to see the approach of T'Pau on a palanquin surrounded by her retinue of Vulcan koders and followed by a huge Vulcan pounding the gong. In contrast to the regally dressed T'Pau, the Vulcan koders all wear a tight light blue polyester T-shirt with the Superman logo and appear of sallow and unhealthy complexion. [Kirk] (Points to T'Pau) Bones, see her? That's T'Pau, the only person ever to turn down a Federation office chair. I knew Spock's family was important. But this is a surprise. [McCoy] (Gesturing at the Vulcan koders) Why are they wearing those Superman T-shirts? [Kirk] (Gives look) Got me. The retinue stops at the edge of the kode pit. T'Pau remains in her chair. The gonging stops. Scotty shrugs free of McCoy's grasp and walks over to stand beside T'Pau. [McCoy] (Trying to get attention) Scotty... [T'Pau] (Quiet but strong) Do not try to speak with him. He is deep in the Plak Tau, or Vulcan insanity fever. He will not speak with thee until it has passed. Spock sees his betroved wife, T'Pring, near the giant gong. He walks towards her when she takes the hammer and pounds the gong once. (Sound of gong) Everyone stops. [T'Pau] (Quiet but strong) She has chosen the challenge. So be it. Kirk, McCoy, thee are not of Vulcan. Thee may leave now if desired. [Kirk] Thanks, but we'll stay. [Scotty] (Weak and feverish) ...no... [T'Pau] (Incredulous) He speaks? [Scotty] (Weak and feverish) ...does not understand...what I will do... [T'Pau] (Air of finality) It is decided.
VULCAN KODE PIT The huge Vulcan who had been sounding the gong picks up two large foam bats, each easily six feet in length. He offers one to Mr. Scott who then begins swinging violently as he steps into the kode pit. Kirk is puzzled as he too is given a bat. He looks down at it. [Kirk] (Puzzled) What...I don't understand... T'Pau takes some pity on Kirk and explains. [T'Pau] (Regal) The challenge is to beat each other senseless. [Kirk] Uh... With Kirk and Mr. Scott in the code pit, T'Pau wastes no time and begins the match. Kirk is still limply holding his bat while Scotty is swinging like a madman, feverish and nonverbal. [T'Pau] (To all) What you are about to see is unchanged since the time of the beginning. It is the way of Vulcan, before logic, the source of our productivity. Let it begin. Two Vulcan koders walk into the pit and present Kirk and Scotty each with a thick sheaf of paper on which is printed diagrams, modal and functional requirements. Scotty immediately stops swinging his bat and sits down at a workstation. Kirk sees this and follows his lead. Kirk is still leafing through his stack of documentation when he hears the furious clacking of rapid typing. It is Scotty, rapidly koding up a solution to the problem presented in the sheaf of paper. Kirk starts koding too but is unable to match the pace. It is clear that he is falling rapidly behind. A half hour passes. [T'Pau] (Raises hand) Raika! (Gong sounds) The contest has paused. McCoy sees an opening and walks up to T'Pau with his medical bag. [McCoy] (Irritated) You call this Vulcan chivalry? The air is too hot and thin for Kirk. He doesn't stand a chance. [T'Pau] (Dismissive) The air is the air. What can be done? [McCoy] (Holding up aluminum can) I can compensate, with this. (Gestures to can) It is Mountain Dew, a tri-ox caffeine stimulant. At least it will give Kirk a fighting chance! [T'Pau] (Aloof) Very well. It shall be. McCoy walks over to Kirk who sits at his workstation out of breath and sweating. He does not look good. [Kirk] (Looking at can in McCoy's hand) What's that? [McCoy] Tri-ox caffeine, will give you stamina for twenty minutes, help you beat Scotty. [Kirk] (Between gulps of Mountain Dew) Not what we had in mind, coming to Vulcan to beat Scotty, is it?
VULCAN KODE PIT Kirk has just caught his breath after gulping down the Mountain Dew when he is presented with a soaking wet towel. He holds it in some confusion as he looks over to see Scotty swinging a similar towel over his head rather aggressively. With some concern he ponders what will happen next. [Kirk] (Yells) Ouch! Scotty has snapped his wet towel at Kirk, leaving a welt on his leg. In the shock, Kirk has dropped his wet towel into the wading pool full of toys. He reaches into the pool to retrieve his weapon. But he is unable to find the towel under the plastic balls and Nerf toys filling the pool. (Historical Background Infomation) In ancient times, the Vulcan kode pit had benches to which slaves were chained after delivery by chariot. After several revolts in the pits, inflatable wading pools filled with toys were placed in each pit to mitigate despair amongst the slaves. Scotty snaps his towel again, knocking Kirk off balance over the wall of the pool which deforms under his weight. [Kirk] (Yells) Oh no! Scotty rushes forward to finish off Kirk. But after a few moments the sound of his wet towel finding its mark slows to silence. Scotty stands in silence over the still body of Kirk, still bent over the wall of the inflatable wading pool. McCoy walks up to the seemingly recovered Scotty. [McCoy] (Terse) Strange as it may seem, now that the captain is gone, you can do whatever you wish with the Enterprise. Scotty nods. [Scotty] (Distracted) Aye, tru it is, doctor. Scotty walks over to T'Pring. [Scotty] Lassie, why da challenge? [T'Pring] (Straightforward) The Enterprise needs re-engineering. If you win, the clustered intranet server would be migrated back to a mainframe and terminal drops. If the captain wins, stateful fat clients are connected to outerwear Java adapters providing a secure e-business solution. Spock enters the conversation. [Spock] Logical, flawlessly logical. [T'Pring] (Sincere) I am honored.
ENGINE ROOM Now back on the Enterprise, the chief engineer is busy installing patches to the middle tier coffee grinder, still depressed about what happened on Vulcan. [Scotty] (To self) Devil it be patching da graeynder... Scotty is applying large rubber patches to the coffee grinder, each labeled with a number. A junior engineer next to Scotty is about to place a patch labeled 2.7.2.2 over a patch with 2.7.2.3 when Scotty catches his mistake. [Scotty] (To junior engineer) No lad! Patches muss bee in order! Just then Bones and Spock walk into the engine room, followed by...Captain Kirk! Scotty is astounded, a flush of emotions rushing to his face. [Scotty] (Confused joy) How?...Captane...Jim! Scotty grabs on to Kirk with gusto, relief and confusion filling the air. A look of dejection crosses Spock's face and just as quickly disappears. Kirk explains what happened. [Kirk] (Smiling) That was no tri-ox caffeine Mountain Dew. McCoy gave me a can full of NyQuil. Put me out like a light. As the realization hits, Scotty relaxes. [Scotty] Good the Enterprise has it's captane back!
CAPTAIN'S LOG, DATETIME 63.70.106.12 The Enterprise has been re-engineered and is underway at Windows 2000 warp speed to the New Legacy human colony. The colonists are in need of assistance after installing an unauthorized upgrade CD received through the subspace mail system, resulting in intermittent system failures. BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE Spock is busy sitting at the science workstation when he notices another ship on long range sensors. [Spock] Captain, there is a ship on bearing two mark five. Long range sensors detect no browser usage from the vessel. [Kirk] (Puzzled) How can that be? Speculate. [Spock] (Turns to face captain) The lack of browser usage can only mean two things. One, either the crew is busy and working or, two, the ship has lost its network connection. The unknown ship has come within visual range. [Kirk] On visual. (Turning to Uhura) Hail them. [Uhura] (Pleasant) Hailing frequencies open, Captain. The ships markings clearly identify it as Federation class NT3.5, an older model but still commonly used. [Kirk] (Businesslike) Unknown Federation NT3.5 vessel, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation ship Enterprise. Do you require assistance? After a long pause, there is no response. [Kirk] (Making eye contact) The only way we'll know what happened here is to beam most of the Enterprise's senior officers over for a hazardous on-site inspection. Spock, Bones, meet me at teleporter room three. BRIDGE OF UNKNOWN NT3.5 VESSEL The bridge is familiar to the members of the Enterprise but dated. They look about and see all of the bridge crew of the unknown vessel lying unconscious on the floor and slumped over their office chairs. The three move around the bridge, inspecting the workstations and unconscious crew. [Bones] This ship makes me feel uncomfortable. It looks difficult to use. [Spock] It may be dated by modern Federation user interface standards. But the technology is very similar to what is used on the Enterprise today. Cosmetic considerations are not as... [Bones] (Interrupting) It was just a comment! Kirk interjects, having noticed something unusual about the unconscious bridge crew. [Kirk] (Pointing) Spock, Bones, look at their hands. They are all clutching something to their chests. Spock pulls out his MP3 tri-corder and begins panning it across the room, pausing over the chest of each unconscious person. [Spock] Fascinating. It appears all of them have met their fate clutching a last paycheck against the chest.
TELEPORTER ROOM Having completed the inspection of the unknown NT3.5 vessel, the away team is teleporting back to the Enterprise. A Starfleet University co-op is operating the teleporter controls under the watchful eye of Mr. Scott. [Starfleet Co-op] (Worried) Uh, it isn't working right. [Scotty] What are you doin? Let me look, laddie. The chief engineer takes the mouse and slides some bars back and forth on the monitor screen. He sees the problem. [Scotty] It's congestion. Fortunately the problem is temporary as three teleporter beams materialize into Kirk, McCoy, and Spock. The three are somewhat dazed. Kirk is the first to step off the teleporter pad. [Kirk] (Pointed) Scotty, what was that? [Scotty] Jus the netwerk, captane. I'll run a diagnostic. Kirk nods and leaves the room along with McCoy and Spock. SICKNESS BAY It is several hours later. McCoy is nervously pacing the floor when Kirk and Spock walk in. He holds a MP3 tri-corder in his hands. [Kirk] Bones, what is this about? McCoy says nothing but waves the MP3 tri-corder over Kirk and Spock who give him puzzled looks. After a moment of reflection, he explains. [McCoy] I can't explain it. But we're all growing old at an accelerated rate. [Kirk] What? [McCoy] Somehow our metabolism has changed since we inspected the NT3.5 vessel. Soon we will all be old men. [Spock] Fascinating.
CAPTAIN'S LOG, SUPPLEMENTAL After inspecting the unknown NT3.5 vessel, Mr. Spock, McCoy, and I are rapidly growing old. Although affected, my chief medical officer is researching the cause which is as yet still unknown. Mr. Spock, with his superior Vulcan physiology, appears to be the least affected. CONFERENCE ROOM The senior staff of the Enterprise is seated around a large oval conference table. At one end of the room is a camera and large monitor on which appears Scotty in engineering, busy grinding Java beans. The captain walks in and takes a seat. [Kirk] (Crisp) Alright gentlemen, let's start. Bones, summarize the problem. [McCoy] The on-site inspection party suffered corruption while teleporting back from the unknown NT3.5 vessel due to network congestion. As a result, the captain, first officer Spock, and I are growing old at a greatly accelerated rate. [Kirk] Congestion? Scotty, what were the results of the teleporter diagnostic? [Scotty on Videophone] It's these streaming holographic movie clients. The entire crew is usin them as screensavers. The Enterprise netwerk can't handle the load. Kirk presses a button on the conference table. [Kirk] Note executive order. Streaming holographic movie clients are prohibited in the Enterprise. He releases the button. Scotty, I don't want this to happen again. [Scotty on Videophone] Aye. [Kirk] How long do we have? [Spock] (Calm) The aging speedup is approximately 32 times but highly unstable. For you, captain, and the doctor, I estimate one or two days at most. For myself, my superior Vulcan physique confers some resistance so I should have one or two months. [McCoy] (Irritated) Damnable green Vulcan blood! [Spock] (Deadpan) I can not help it doctor if my ancestors were perfecting logic and discipline while yours were living in caves as barbarians. ENGINE ROOM Scotty has left the Java bean grinder and is writing a message to be sent to all engineering personnel. To: engrweenies@enterprise.starfleet.com From: mscott@enterprise.starfleet.com Subject: netwerk congestions Ladds, wee can't be usin these streaming holographic movie clients no more. They be givin the Enterprise netwerk congestions. From now on, these are not to be runs. He clicks the send button. [Scotty] (To self) That be the ends of it. In a secluded corner of the engine room, in a large closet full of rack mounted computers, ducts and pipes running along the walls and ceiling, sits the Starfleet University co-op. He has a folding table and a workstation next to the refrigerator full of premium Andorian Java beans and the copy machine which is busy duplicating and collating a huge stack of paper. [Starfleet Co-op] (To self) What's this? He clicks on the open button and reads the message. Then he goes back to munching on a bag of bar-b-que corn chips.
GALLEY The Enterprise galley is a busy place at lunchtime. There are long lines in the food court and few empty seats at the tables. On one wall is a giant monitor with a continuous SNN (Starfleet News Network) feed. Everyone eats over the background din of the latest fleet news. Long lines apply even for the captain of the Enterprise. He's been waiting in line for about one minute when he finally gets to the front of it to order his meal. [Fry Cook] (Nasal voice) What do you want, young man? [Kirk] Burger, double cheese. The Starfleet fry cook turns around and slaps two patties on the sizzling grill. He follows the same routine with the next two people in line and then comes back to the captain. [Fry Cook] (Nasal voice) You want potatoes? [Kirk] Yes, please. A handful of tater tots lands next to the captain's burger on his tray. The captain takes his tray and walks over to the tables where he sees Spock and McCoy already seated in conversation. [Spock] ...so it is logical to presume... (Looks up) Captain, please join us. Spock's eyebrow raises as he notices something different about the captain. [Kirk] (Puzzled) Is anything wrong, Spock? [McCoy] (Deadpan) It's your gut, Jim. Your belly is hanging over. [Kirk] (Surprised) What! [Spock] Yes, captain. By my calculations you are now physically fifty earth years old. Increased body mass index is a normal aspect of human aging. Kirk looks upset with the statement of his first officer. He looks at McCoy who shrugs. [Kirk] (Digging into food) Bones, any progress on the accelerated aging problem? We don't have much time left. [McCoy] We have a theory. But as it involves engineering, I'd rather not explain it without Scotty. Spock nods his assent. [Kirk] O.k., it can wait until after lunch. (Pointing) Have you tried these potatoes? They're quite good. SICKNESS BAY Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are waiting in McCoy's office for Scotty to arrive from engineering. After a few minutes, the chief engineer walks in slightly out of breath. [Scotty] (Apologetic) Sorry. One of me ladds be graeynding these Java beans aheads of time and mixin it with the rest. He didn't no 100 percent pure. A struggle is it with all these fresh Starfleet co-ops. [Kirk] Scotty, McCoy tells me there is a theory about the accelerated aging after the teleporter problem. [Scotty] (Stands stiff) Aye sir. That there is. The corruption we can not fix. It is done. But, as wee be usin Enterprise ClearCase, every old teleporter pattern is in the versioned object base. Wee can use an old copy of you three for the teleporter. [Kirk] (Pleased) Wonderful, gentlemen. When do we start? Spock and Scotty give each other a look. [Kirk] (Confused) What? What's wrong? [Spock] It has never been done before.
CAPTAIN'S LOG, SUPPLEMENTAL The Enterprise has reached the New Legacy human colony and is in low orbit. Scotty was unable to fix the colony's intermittent system failures. The upgrade CD they installed can not be removed. He is on the surface unformatting soft disks and installing the Enterprise's information system which is the most recent Federation standard. As for Spock, Bones, and I, we are all feeling the effects of accelerated aging. Fortunately, Scotty should be ready to recover our old teleporter patterns soon. His Starfleet University co-op is reading the ClearCase manual right now. BRIDGE The captain appears older with greying around his temples but still sits in the captain's chair. [Uhura] (One hand holding earphone) Captain, incoming message from Starfleet Command. Priority one, your eyes only. [Kirk] I'll take it in my office. The captain walks out to his office and pulls a small folding screen across the doorway. Sulu and Chekov roll their eyes over the low cubicle wall separating their workstations on the bridge. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE It is a small room with an L-shaped table, a tall back office chair, and two stools for visitors. The shelves are overflowing with papers and printouts. Kirk presses a button on his workstation. The face of Vulcan Admiral Solaris appears on the screen. He is impassive and cold. [Solaris] Captain, your performance with Starfleet has been exemplary this last year. However, the Enterprise faces many challenges in the coming year requiring rationalization for its shareholders. [Kirk] (Confusion) I don't understand. [Solaris] (Continuing, ignoring interruption) Your services with the Enterprise are no longer required. The replacement captain will arrive on a shuttlecraft in thirty minutes. Solaris out. The screen goes blank.
CAPTAIN'S LOG, PERHAPS FINAL ENTRY The New Legacy human colony's systems are repaired and largely upgraded. Chief Engineer Scott reports that there are insufficient licenses for all computers in the colony. However, backwards compatibility allows the upgraded Federation systems to interoperate with older ones in the colony. Spock, Bones, and I are meeting Mr. Scott in the teleporter room in several minutes to cure our accelerated aging. The ClearCase problems have been resolved with the new Starfleet University co-op. This is perhaps my final log entry. Starfleet Command has replaced me with a 27 year old captain. It seems ironic that just as youth is to be returned, I am replaced by a captain half my age. BRIDGE The bridge crew is pensive and quiet. They know of the impending replacement of their captain. [Uhura] Captain, the shuttlecraft is in final docking. [Kirk] (Nods to Uhura, gestures) Spock, come with me. We'll pick up McCoy along the way. Kirk and Spock exit through the turbo elevator. SHUTTLE HANGAR Kirk, Spock, and McCoy wait anxiously for the shuttlecraft to come into view as it undergoes final docking procedures. [Kirk] (To self) I can't believe they replaced me. [Spock] It is only logical. [McCoy] (Upset) Logical! How can that be? The captain has years of experience and a proven record! [Spock] Quite true. The years of experience you refer to make him too expensive for the Starfleet. His replacement is far less expensive. McCoy is about to become angry when Kirk intercedes. [Kirk] No, Bones, Spock is right. (Points) Look, there's the shuttle. It's one of the new models. [Spock] (From memory) Starfleet Explorer Caravan with dual sliding cargo hatches. A hatch slides open and the new captain of the Enterprise steps out. He is munching on an apple.
BRIDGE The new captain of the Enterprise has just taken the command chair. His satisfaction is apparent to the entire bridge crew who wait for his first orders. [Jobs] (Excited like a child) This is insanely great! [Sulu] Sir? [Jobs] (Gesturing) Helm, set course for Romulus, Windows 2000 warp speed. [Chekov] (Disbelief) But that will put us in the neutral zone! [Jobs] Mr. Sulu, set the course. The new captain starts pushing buttons on the command chair, seemingly unable to find the functionality he wants. [Jobs] (Frustrated) How does this thing work? Where's the mouse? [Uhura] Press the orange button, sir. [Jobs] (Pressing orange button) Crew, this is your new captain speaking. We are en route to Romulus. Starfleet has bought out the Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology. Once this is integrated into the Enterprise, the Federation will be competitive with the Klingons. (Releases orange button) TELEPORTER ROOM Kirk, Spock, and McCoy wait patiently as Scotty and the Starfleet University co-op prepare to recover their old teleporter patterns from Enterprise ClearCase. They have all just heard the message from the new captain about acquiring the Romulan technology. [Scotty] (Shaking head to self) Aye cant beleev it. This dot com technologies will never werk in the Enterprise. The main frames, she can not take it. [Spock] (Resigned) Sometimes the good of the many outweighs the needs of the few, or the one. [McCoy] (Incredulous) Spock, what are you talking about? The chief engineer is watching over the shoulder of the Starfleet University co-op as he types at a workstation. [Starfleet Co-op] (Finishes typing) That's it, sir. This config spec should see the most recent versions on the last vaulted branch. [Scotty] Doo it, lad! The Starfleet University co-op pushes a key on the workstation and the three officers shimmer out of existence.
TELEPORTER ROOM ON WRONG BRANCH The three Starfleet officers reappear on the teleporter pad, this time with youth restored. All three now appear as they did before the teleporter corruption. [Kirk] Spock, Bones, we're cured. Look, the belly is gone! [McCoy] (Irritated) Heck of a way to fix corruption, fragment a person's packets over a serial teleporter line. Spock is silent, surveying the room with a curious eye. Kirk and McCoy notice and are similarly surprised. [Scotty] (Upset) Ladd, what ave you done! They not be the right versions! The Starfleet University co-op appears increasingly nervous. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, standing on the teleporter pad, are silent. [Starfleet Co-op] I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again! [Scotty] Aye, that it wont. (Looking to captain) Captane, da lad muss be punished. [Kirk] (Dismissive) No, that isn't necessary, Scotty. It was an honest mistake. [Scotty] Eym sorry but me engineering muss bee in order! Starfleet University Co-op, your slide rule, pleese. Scotty waits with an outstretched hand for the slide rule. [Starfleet Co-op] No, sir! Not my slide rule! Please, anything but that! [Scotty] (Terse) Better than the sausages, laddie! The slide rule. The co-op hands Scotty his slide rule from the holster on his belt. Scotty takes the bamboo device and slides it over the co-ops nose. [Starfleet Co-op] (In pain) Ahh! In a few moments, the co-op is unconscious on the floor. CONFERENCE ROOM A meeting of the senior staff considers what to do with the captain, the first officer, and chief medical officer after yet another teleporter accident. [Jobs] (Pressing button) Steve Jobs, captain and CEO of the Enterprise. Let's get the party rolling! (Looks towards Scotty) Chief engineer Scott, what's happening? [Scotty] It is the ClearCase, she hadda external error during the teleport. So wee ave the wrong versions of the three. Scotty pushes a button. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy appear on a large monitor in split screen. Kirk is reclined at a workstation with a bag of corn chips typing rapidly, eyes glazed. Spock and McCoy are in the gymnasium lifting weights. [Chekov] (Bewildered) This is not the captain! [Scotty] (Resigned) Aye, laddie, he is not our captane. But these three bee other versions from ClearCase. They all look at the monitor. Captain Kirk is 100 pounds heavier than the version they know. His T-shirt is stretched like a sausage skin with "Ritual" written on it. Spock has a long scraggly beard and wears blue denim overalls. McCoy is a large bodybuilder with white chalk on his back. [Jobs] (Thoughtful) Definitely game programmers. We'll need entertainment titles to leverage the Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology. (To Scotty) Once we have the quantum singularity dot com technology, how long before you can integrate it into the engines for the Heavy Metal Mariko World clone? Next week? [Scotty] (Upset) That bee not possible! These Romulan dot coms technology bee incompatible with the Enterprise engine! Chekov joins in with an observation. [Chekov] And we have no idea if they'll work for us. [Jobs] (Knowing) They're game programmers. They'll work for a few Java beans.
TELEPORTER ROOM Scotty and the Starfleet University co-op are almost ready to get the right versions of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy out of Enterprise ClearCase. [Jobs] (Over intercom) Aren't you losers ready yet? The Enterprise is on Internet time! [Scotty] (Harried) Aye...jus a moment more, captane. The chief engineer and Starfleet University co-op double check their Pearl script. It looks ready. [Jobs] (Impatient) The clock is ticking! The co-op pushes a button and the teleporter comes to life. [Scotty] (To bridge) Captane! They be here! [Jobs] What took you so long! Mr. Scott, have Kirk report to deck three. Spock, McCoy, return to your stations. Spock and McCoy give Kirk a look before walking out to their assigned duty stations. Chief Engineer Scott shrugs his shoulders and walks out with the Starfleet University co-op in tow. DECK THREE Kirk waits at a table in a small room on deck three. After several minutes, a yeoman walks in with a folder and sits down across from him. [Yeoman] (Cheery voice) Mr. Kirk, may I call you Jim? Well, if you would just fill out the bubbles on this Hyper-Scantron form, it would be very helpful. Mystified, Kirk takes the form and mouths the questions. ********************************* Starfleet Hyper-Scantron Staffing ********************************* How much experience do you have with food replicators? 1. none 2. one year 3. two years 4. five years 5. more than ten years What is your level of skill adjusting Federation issue office chairs? 1. none 2. one year 3. two years 4. five years 5. more than ten years Kirk stops reading and walks out.
ENGINE ROOM The chief engineer's staff is occupied preparing the engines for the new Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology. No one notices as the captain of the Enterprise walks in. [Jobs] (Slapping shoulder) Scotty! How are we doing! Scotty jumps a little and puts the new Java bean decaffeinator down. [Scotty] (Startled) Oh...aye, fine, the engines be running, captane. The captain takes in the engine room, satisfied that everyone looks busy. [Jobs] (Cheery) I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the fine job you did with the teleporter. Soon we'll have to integrate the dot com technology. It'll be tough going but we are competing with the Klingons now. Good work! [Scotty] (Stands at attention) Thank you, sir! [Jobs] (Smiles) Good, good... And the captain walks back out, leaving Scotty to finish installing the decaffeinator. SICKNESS BAY Chief medical officer McCoy is a bit distracted as he handles the normal health care duties of the Enterprise. But his staff is glad to have him back. It is business as usual in the sickness bay. [McCoy] (Fatherly) Now let's see your medical chart... McCoy turns from his patient to the workstation, bringing up the crew member's medical records. (Absently) Hmm...here, eat this. The crew member looks at the offered medication. [Sick Crew Member] (Incredulous) What?! That's a dounut! [McCoy] An old fashioned, more precisely. Best southern cure next to a mint julep. Now eat it, doctor's orders! The crew member takes the dounut and leaves. Idle for the moment, McCoy pushes a button on the workstation and the crew member's medical records are replaced with a new screen. Location: www.federationjobs.com "Go where no one has gone before!" Alpha quadrant: 3,905,031,121 jobs Beta quadrant: 1,003,902,655 jobs Delta quadrant: 3,001,548 jobs [McCoy] (To self) Hmm, let's see... McCoy pushes some buttons leading through a progression of screens. With each new screen, a chocolate chip cookie falls out of a slot under the workstation. "Alpha Quadrant Opportunities" Engineering: 5,003,456 jobs Medical: 109,047 jobs Command: 3,103 jobs Selecting 'Medical', the first posting appears. SENIOR MEDICAL OFFICER, PRE-LAUNCH CONSTITUTION CLASS STARSHIP!!! 20+ yrs Starfleet medical, 7-15+ yrs Rigellian hypo-vaccines, 3+ yrs 22nd century Mk 5 multi-corder PRINCIPALS ONLY! EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY! Then the next. TERRAN MEDICAL SPECIALIST, ANDORIAN COLONY 1+ yrs PL5 fluid analysis, experience in med-transport, Vulcan AX/400 or Federation KOBOL a plus. VANGUARD STAFFING, EARTH LLP McCoy hears a sound behind him. Quickly, he presses a button and the monitor screen goes blank. He is slightly flustered. [Chapel] (Pretends not to notice) Excuse me doctor, patient Jackson is having problems again. [McCoy] (Relieved) Yes, yes I'll be there.
BRIDGE The Enterprise has arrived at Romulus and is in orbit. The bridge crew is nervous as the captain issues orders. [Jobs] (to Uhura) Contact the Romulan Research and Development campus. Put them on the main viewscreen. Uhura pushes some buttons and subkommander Tomaluk appears on the screen. [Tomaluk] (twiddling thumbs) Greetings, Enterprise. Are you ready to integrate our technology? [Jobs] Absolutely! (pushes button) Scotty! I want you and the Starfleet University co-op to beam down for a Romulan training course on their quantum singularity dot com technology. [Scotty over intercom] (sullen) Aye sir. (in background) Laddie, we bee gettin to the teleporter room too. [Jobs] Subkommander Tomaluk, how long will training be? [Tomaluk] Two of your days. ROMULAN RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT A large campus on Romulus, research and development reflects the hierarchy of the Romulan military. Massive cubical buildings, spaced miles from each other in case of orbital bombardment, dot the area. Like all Romulan buildings, they have no windows. Scotty and the Starfleet University co-op walk through a maze of aisles past hundreds of work kubicles on their way to the training room. Each kube is occupied with a Romulan centurion. [Co-op] (pointing at a kube) What are these things? [Scotty] (looking ahead) They be battle kubes. [Co-op] But they are so small, just enough for one chair. [Scotty] Aye. Poor devils... They walk past some larger kubicles. [Co-op] What about these? These are ten times the size of those other ones. Why are they all empty? [Scotty] Eye don't no moor than you, laddie. KIRK'S QUARTERS Kirk walks in to his quarters on the Enterprise and sees the red message light on the subspace answering phone flashing. He pushes a button and the messages play back over audio. [ANSWER PHONE] (synthesized) MESSAGE ONE DATETIME 169.132.8.11 FROM UNKNOWN CALLER (beep) Hi, this is Reginald Cliff from Interorbital Spacefleet Solutions. I see from the federationjobs board that you have command experience on a mark 11 warp vessel with exploration missions outside of known Federation space. I have an opportunity that might interest you. Please call me at 623974359312459 extension 23. I look forward to your call. (synthesized) MESSAGE TWO DATETIME 208.56.135.186 FROM UNKNOWN CALLER (beep) James T. Kirk? I tried to reach you earlier over federation mail! I have an opportunity requiring experience with Klingon birds of prey for a senior in an architecture role. It is in the beta quadrant near the Telusian Fields. You can reach me at 3487534897798. It's a hot opportunity. I don't get many like this! (synthesized) NO MORE NEW MESSAGES Kirk sighs.
ENGINE ROOM With the chief engineer and his co-op in training on Romulus, it was not long before problems began on the Enterprise. [Sulu] (over communicator) Sulu to captain, the ship's mail server is going down. For the next hour, all internal comms will be with Netscape communicators and intranet telephones. [Jobs over communicator] (upset) What? Sulu! What are you doing in the engine room! [Sulu] With Mr. Scott and the Starfleet University co-op in training, Mr. Spock tasked me with covering the shortfall. [Jobs over communicator] I'm coming down there! [Sulu] Uh oh. ROMULAN TRAINING ROOM Scotty and the Starfleet University co-op have been listening to a lecture comparing the quantum singularity dot com technology to that of Starfleet for the last nine hours. As the Romulan day is 36 hours long, there are still several more hours to go before the end of the training day. [Dot com expert] ...so whereas quantum singularity payload envelopes require only five octets of transport header overhead, the closest comparable Federation signal level wastes a virtual tributary in plesiochronous mode... Scotty's communicator begins to beep. He looks down and sees it is an incoming call from the Enterprise. Still beeping, Scotty walks outside of the training room. [Scotty] (flips open communicator) Cheef Engineer Scott heer. [Jobs over communicator] (loud, garbled) Mr. Scott! I want you back here in the engine room. Training time is over! Scotty pauses a moment. [Scotty] (sullen) Aye sur. (flips communicator shut) ENGINE ROOM Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott and the Starfleet University co-op examine the Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology they will be integrating into the Enterprise engines. [Scotty] Laddie, eye dont no bout this. The co-op is silent before the tangle of wires and pipes seemingly ripped out of a huge piece of equipment. [Scotty] (over shoulder) Jackson, wear didda the Romulans sent it from? [Jackson] On the planet? The source was the Romulan Research Kode dump. Scotty holds his head. [Scotty] Ladds, wee betta get started. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE Captain Stephen P. Jobs is about to give his status report to Vulcan Admiral Solaris. He presses a button and the secure viewphone connection is established through the workstation. [Solaris] Report. [Jobs] The Romulan dot com technology will be integrated on schedule by the time the Enterprise reaches Federation space. [Solaris] Aggressive. [Jobs] Well, the Enterprise has the best engineers in Starfleet. [Solaris] Excellent. Solaris out. The screen goes blank.
BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE Captain Jobs returns from a brief status report to Admiral Solaris. All is on schedule. Soon the Enterprise will be back in Federation space and the Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology integrated into the engines. He walks over to the command chair and sits, noticing that something is amiss on his bridge. [Jobs] (puzzled) Where's Sulu? For a few moments, the bridge crew looks at one another in silence. [Uhura] He gave his notice two weeks ago, when James Kirk was still captain. Yesterday was his last day. The captain is not happy. [Jobs] (pressing button) Mr. Scott! Meeting in ten minutes, my office! (releases button) And with that the captain of the Enterprise stalks back into his office. SMALL SPACEDOCK OUTSIDE FEDERATION SPACE A ship under construction sits in spacedock. It is the Expeditious, a small vessel equipped with experimental wireless open source packet reactors. The ship is being prepared for an initial launch as Sulu and the recruiter Leslie Robinson watch it through an observation window. [Robinson] I've only been with the Expeditious for a month, so I may not know everything. Let me tell you about the ship. It fills a need common to the Romulan Star Empire, the Klingons, and the Federation for business to business exchange transactions. The Expeditious can target any of the major ship platforms with secure enhanced messaging solutions. [Sulu] When do we board? [Robinson] (cheery) Well! We can board right now! [Sulu] Can I see Jim Kirk too? [Robinson] Sure! ENGINE ROOM OF ENTERPRISE A few red shirts are busy disassembling the Romulan quantum singularity dot com technology. Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott walks in and pulls the Starfleet University co-op away from the group. [Scotty] Laddie, eye've just hadda talk with de captane. How would manning the helm suit u? [Co-op] (brightens) Great! [Scotty] (gesturing towards door) On with u then... The Starfleet University co-op runs out of the engine room. Scotty turns his attention back to the integration work. [Scotty] (looking around) Johnson, canna wee not decaffeinate the Java beans from da graeyender an feed them in a pipe to the singularity? [Johnson] I don't think so. The quantum singularity wants whole beans. It needs to be first to grind and doesn't accept grounds. [Scotty] (upset) Eyem beginnin' to think weel hav too re-wire da entire Romulan dot coms mess in Java now...
ENGINE ROOM OF EXPEDITIOUS Unfortunately, Kirk has already left for lunch. So Hikaru Sulu wanders down to the engine room to see the advanced technology powering the Expeditious. [Sulu] (to self) Amazing. I would not have believed it. A dozen small monkeys in red polyester shirts holding various arcane tools run and jump through the engine room, hooting and hollering the entire time. They seem to have boundless energy in a scene of total chaos. But then the chief technology officer appears. [Gordon] (offering hand) Hi, I'm Gordon, CTO of the Expeditious. You must be Hikaru Sulu. Welcome aboard! [Sulu] (shakes hand) Thank you. Yes, Hikaru Sulu. It's a nice ship. This engine room is not what I am used to. [Gordon] (smiling) Certainly not what you see on the Enterprise! Well, wireless open source packet reactor technology for business to business exchange means that now you don't need expensive development engineers in the engine room. All you need are a few Java kode monkeys! The dozen monkeys run around even faster, making even more noise. [Gordon] (pointing) See, over there? That's the Java machine. Sulu looks across the engine room to see an espresso machine in continuous operation as monkeys randomly run up to drink from the faucet and pull the dispense lever. [Gordon] (satisfied) It makes them even more productive! And all it costs are Java beans! See, let's get one over here. The CTO calls over one of the kode monkeys who scrambles over to face Gordon and Sulu. [Kode Monkey] (doing Jane Goodall proud) Aeighh! Aeighh! Eeeaap! The monkey runs off, returning to work. [Sulu] (apprehensive) Yes, this is very interesting... [Gordon] (satisfied) Just wait, next week we're getting a Coke machine!