It's none other than Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, the former ! All along, he was in Iraq and Iraq was not exactly the first place that we'd look for lost Neil triplets. We found Andy Kim much earlier, since Andy was also a hit songwriter and pop singer, so his uncanny resemblance to Neil was quickly recognized. Al-Sahaf, unfortunately, was left to his own devices in Iraq, and he dabbled in politics instead of song. We didn't know that Al-Sahaf existed until recently, but thanks to saturation coverage on CNN and other news outlets, we've found the third Neil triplet "separated at birth"!
Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf has three things going for him: a) He's not a "war criminal" so he's free to pursue other employment in the civilian sector b) He speaks English c) Being a Neil triplet opens up all kinds of speaking engagements and opportunities for joining Neil fan organizations.
Since his former job at the Republic of Iraq Information Ministry went belly-up, the AFFND ("Affiliated Fangirls and Fanboys of Neil Diamond"- they can be a little extreme, but we love them anyways) quickly placed the high bid for his services and snapped him up for their show on our exclusive, closed-circuit cable TV channel, NNN (Neil News Network). Yes, that's right! As a visitor of Holiday Inn Blues- The Official Hotel of Diamondville, you can get NNN in your hotel room, all day and all night! Visitors can see NNN in our upcoming entertainment mega-complex at Diamondville Theme Park.
We know you miss
his colorful use of the English Language! Now you can see Mr. Al-Sahaf's
sincerity ranting as the new spokesman for
the AFFND! Here's some examples of what you can see on "The Al-Sahaf Show"
on NNN, exclusively
Mr. Al-Sahaf speaks:
"Neil Diamond, like fine wine, gets better with age."
His looks- how can one deny it? He looks better than he ever has. 30 years ago, he was a hippie popstar. What decent, upstanding woman would want a hippie? His "mad scientist" look is much better. Scientists are useful. It is a good thing to look like a scientist. I do not understand why Americans laugh at scientists and call them "mad". Obviously Americans do not have their priorities straight. To idolize hippie popstars and not scientists...
Neil Diamond, as he appears in his "bus calls" is how he is naturally, which is very attractive indeed. He does not need makeup or false hair on his head- to look attractive, he should always wear his glasses, and instead of these silly undignified American baseball hats, he could wear a black beret. He could look like....ME.
His voice- yes, his voice has matured greatly. Who would want a 1972 recording when Neil Diamond was immature? He became mature much later in life, and his Live In America album is far superior to his Hot August Night album, because he had 21 additional years to improve upon himself. Who can listen to Hot August Night and think that such an immature hippie popstar can be better than his more mature self on Live In America? Such a thought is outrageous! It is undeniable... Neil Diamond's albums have become better as he got older. This Serenade album is highly over-rated. He became a far better artist with maturity- witness the quality of the Up on the Roof- Songs from the Brill Building album and compare for yourselves!!!
As proof that Neil Diamond gives his fans exactly what they ask for, his next album will be Neil Diamond Sings the Phonebook. He has received many letters from his truly devoted fans requesting this, and he will oblige. He will start with "A" and eventually end with "Z". We are not certain as to how many CDs this will be, but he is very committed to this project and will release new CDs every 6 months, if this is necessary, until it is complete. His true fans will, of course, shower him with accolades and praise and compliments and will show their gratefulness towards him. Do not disappoint him.
The enforcement of compassion upon the Neil Diamond community is to be properly administered by the "Iron Fists in Velvet Gloves". The public show of compassion is a good thing. We have learned many things from Saddam's government, and using the IFVG to berate and ridicule people for their lack of "compassion" is a perfectly noble act of compassion. There is a "positivity line" that we shall set, and those who fall short of the line will be subject to a public chiding, humiliation, banishment and soon, re-education. Everyone is free to speak their own truth, as long as it is kind and compassionate [by our standards]. This is true freedom. Do not doubt this.
Critical fans? This is an oxymoron. There is no way that one can be critical and a fan at the same time. Such lack of faith is appalling. Only universal, unequivocal love of Neil Diamond would qualify one to be a fan. All others are infidels or unbelievers and we will slaughter them all. There is "no room" for criticism of his music....never!
There is no such thing as a "bad" Neil Diamond concert. He has never had an "off night" during his entire career. Every concert he has performed has been fantastic. Do not let any foolish, stupid person tell you otherwise- It is impossible for Neil Diamond to perform poorly- he is a perfect being!
Neil Diamond is like a father to you all, and like any loving father, he will give sweets to the ones who stamp their feet the most. The fans that whine loudest about "THEM being next" will be humored. Neil will start his next tour in Australia, because of a single person's demand that they DESERVE to see him next. And on to India, Mexico, China, Africa, and all the other places he's neglected so far. Then he will go to Japan and Hawaii, before hitting every major and minor concert hall in the US & Europe. He will tour a month and be off a month and tour a month for the rest of his life.
How do you prove yourself to be a "true" Neil Diamond fan? The requirements are very simple. A TRUE FAN...
If you did not answer "YES" to each one of these, you are not a fan, you are a silly, ignorant person, so go away and do not waste our (my) time.
- Accepts and LOVES him for EVERYTHING he does, not just a select few. Accepts him, even if he is personally rude to them and doesn't kiss their children.
- Attends shows & won't cry if other fans stand up in front of them. Instead, they shall shove their way in front of fans that block their view.
- Respects the music and his talent without picking him apart. A true fan couldn't hear an off-key note or a rasp in a voice if he or she were in an echo chamber.
- Collects EVERYTHING they can, even if it's a re-issue... including cigar butts that he has discarded, water glasses that he drank from, and has a room bulging at the seams because of all the multiple copies of things about Neil Diamond he or she collects.
- Doesn't care how others view Neil Diamond and insults everybody who has the poor taste not to enshrine him.
- Does not cry about how he does a certain song in concert. A real fan assists him in destroying previously beautiful ballads by adding cheesy lyrics and singing along en-masse.
- Will see as many shows as possible on one tour and not go broke in the process. When he is touring, a positive bank balance is NOT ALLOWED. Every cent of discretionary income must be spent on following Neil around the country.
- Would be happy if he released an album in any musical genre. That is why he will sing the phonebook.
- Does not crucify him for not releasing a DVD of this tour. A true fan doesn't even WANT a DVD, if he doesn't offer one.
Investigative reporting by:
The FUN Conspiracy
FreeThinkers United for Neil
A huge "Thank You" to Iris Gerhardt and Deb Diamond B for permission to use their candid Neil photos!
These articles are Copyright 2003, The FUN Conspiracy. May not be reproduced without the written permission of the authors.
Disclaimer: This site is for entertainment purposes only. The use of Iraqi photographs is intended to be in an ironic context. This site is not a statement of support, nor opposition to the war. Thank you.